How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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