He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
