I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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