Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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