Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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