I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
