I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
