I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
