Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
