I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
