remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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