I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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