I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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