My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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