I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
