According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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