Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
