My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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