I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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