It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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