I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
