end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
