We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
