I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
