Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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