just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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