im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
