the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
