I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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