Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
