matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
