did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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