I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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