I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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