My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
