i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
