Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
