I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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