Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
