took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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