Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
