I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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