if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
