I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i came on her dog
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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