I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I could make wine with my vomit
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize