It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
