I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
