I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
