Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He passed out mid-signature
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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