I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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