You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
