The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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