A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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