I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
