I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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