Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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