If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
