everyone is single if you try hard enough
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize