Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
