She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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