she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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