i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
