bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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