just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
