was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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