Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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