my soul wont recognize me after tonight
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
4 words: hood of his car
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
