Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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