So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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