the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
